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Writer's pictureAustin James

Forgiveness & True Love

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful, yet difficult, aspects of human relationships. Whether between spouses, parents and children, or friends, moments of hurt, misunderstanding, and disappointment are inevitable. The Torah offers profound insights into how we can heal these wounds and restore trust through the act of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not just an emotional act—it is a spiritual discipline that opens the door to renewed connection, growth, and deeper love.


The concept of forgiveness is deeply embedded in the way G-d interacts with humanity. G-d is described as Erech Apayim—slow to anger and abundant in kindness, always ready to forgive those who return to Him with a sincere heart. Just as G-d forgives us, we are called to forgive others, modeling our behavior after divine compassion.


One of the most powerful examples of forgiveness in the Torah is the story of Yosef and his brothers. After being sold into slavery by his own brothers and enduring years of hardship, Yosef eventually rises to power in Egypt. When his brothers come to him during the famine, not knowing his true identity, he is in a position of authority and could easily have sought revenge. Yet, instead of bitterness or retaliation, Yosef offers them forgiveness. He reassures them, saying, “Do not be distressed or angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that G-d sent me ahead of you” (Genesis 45:5). Yosef’s ability to see beyond the hurt and to recognize G-d’s plan allowed him to let go of resentment and reconcile with his family.


Yosef’s forgiveness teaches us that healing often begins with perspective. In moments of hurt, it’s easy to focus on the pain and injustice we’ve experienced. But the Torah encourages us to look deeper, to consider the broader picture. Sometimes, the challenges we face in relationships are opportunities for growth—for ourselves and for the relationship itself. Yosef’s ability to forgive came from his realization that even in his suffering, there was divine purpose. In our own relationships, this means stepping back from the emotional intensity of the moment and considering how the hardship may be an opportunity for growth or a test of character.


But what does forgiveness actually look like in day-to-day relationships? How do we practice it, especially when the hurt feels deep? The Torah outlines a three-step approach to forgiveness that can help us move from pain to healing.


1. Acknowledging the Hurt

The first step in the process of forgiveness is hakarat hara, acknowledging the harm that has been done. The Torah does not suggest sweeping pain under the rug or pretending that everything is fine. Just as we confess our sins to G-d on Yom Kippur to acknowledge where we’ve gone wrong, we must also be honest with ourselves and each other about the hurt we feel. In relationships, this means clearly expressing what has caused the pain, without exaggeration or blame. Being able to say, “This is what hurt me,” is an essential part of the healing process. It opens the door to honest communication and helps the other person understand the impact of their actions.


2. Letting Go of Resentment

Once the hurt has been acknowledged, the second step is mechilah, the act of letting go of resentment. This doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or pretending it didn’t matter, but rather choosing to release the bitterness that can poison a relationship. The Torah teaches that holding onto anger leads to a hardened heart. G-d encourages us to “not bear a grudge” (Leviticus 19:18), because doing so weighs down our spirits and prevents reconciliation. Forgiving someone requires a conscious decision to release the hold that the hurt has over us, creating space for healing.


In practice, this can be difficult. It requires humility and a willingness to see the humanity in the other person. When we recognize that everyone, including ourselves, is imperfect and capable of making mistakes, it becomes easier to forgive. In marriage, for example, this might mean understanding that your spouse’s hurtful words or actions may have come from their own place of stress, fear, or insecurity—not from a desire to harm you. This shift in perspective can soften the emotional impact and make forgiveness possible.


3. Rebuilding Trust and Connection

The final step is teshuvah, which is often translated as repentance, but also means “return.” In relationships, this step is about rebuilding the trust that was damaged and returning to a place of connection. In the Torah, teshuvah is about turning back to G-d after we have strayed. Similarly, after forgiveness, both parties must work to return to a place of closeness and trust.


This doesn’t happen overnight. Trust is rebuilt through consistent actions over time. Just as G-d gives us the chance to correct our wrongs and rebuild our relationship with Him, we must allow space for healing and growth in our human relationships. For example, if a child has broken a parent’s trust by being dishonest, the parent may forgive, but the relationship will need time to rebuild that sense of honesty. The child, in turn, must show through actions that they are committed to regaining that trust.


In marriage, this might mean small, consistent acts of kindness or a renewed effort to communicate openly and honestly. It could mean prioritizing quality time together, showing through actions—not just words—that the relationship is valued and the bond is worth rebuilding.


The Role of Apology and Responsibility

It’s important to remember that forgiveness is a two-way street. While the Torah calls on us to forgive, it also emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for our actions. A sincere apology is essential for true forgiveness to occur. When someone has been hurt, they need to hear that the other person acknowledges the pain they’ve caused and is genuinely sorry. The Torah teaches us the value of vidui (confession), which is a form of verbal acknowledgment of wrongdoing, as a critical step in teshuvah.


In relationships, a heartfelt apology—without excuses or justifications—can be a powerful step toward healing. Saying, “I’m sorry that my actions hurt you, and I want to make it right,” opens the door to forgiveness. It shows that you care enough about the relationship to take responsibility and work toward repairing the damage.


If They are Unwilling to Forgive You

But what happens when, despite your best efforts, the other person refuses to move on? What if you’ve acknowledged the hurt, offered a sincere apology, and taken steps to rebuild trust, yet they remain unwilling or unable to let go of the pain? This is one of the most difficult challenges in relationships, but the Torah offers insight here as well.


The Torah teaches us that while forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing, we cannot force someone else to forgive or move forward. Just as G-d grants us the free will to choose teshuvah, every person has the freedom to choose whether they are ready to forgive. When someone refuses to move on, it may be because they are still processing the hurt, or because their emotional wound runs deeper than you can understand. In these situations, patience and compassion are key.


The Torah encourages us to continue to act with kindness, even when the other party is not ready to heal. Sometimes, people need more time and space to come to terms with their pain. You cannot rush the process, but you can provide a steady presence of care and understanding, showing through your actions that you are committed to the relationship. Just as G-d waits patiently for us to return to Him when we stray, we must be patient with those who are not yet ready to forgive. Sometimes, relationships may not be fully restored right away, but the personal transformation you undergo in the process—learning humility, patience, and empathy—can be its own reward.


It’s also important to recognize that even if the other person chooses not to move on, your own work in seeking forgiveness is still meaningful. By taking responsibility, apologizing sincerely, and making efforts to repair the relationship, you have fulfilled your obligation to seek peace.


Forgiving Those Who Still Wish Harm

Forgiving someone for a wrong they’ve done—whether emotionally or physically—means releasing the resentment and bitterness that can weigh us down. However, forgiveness does not mean ignoring the reality of continued danger or allowing someone to cause further harm.


If someone you’ve forgiven continues to threaten you or your family, the Torah tells us to prioritize safety and well-being. While we are called to be compassionate, we are also commanded to protect ourselves and those we love. The Torah emphasizes the value of life and safety above all, as it says in Leviticus 19:16, "Do not stand idly by the blood of your neighbor." This extends to our own safety and the protection of our families. The Torah does not require us to put ourselves or our loved ones in harm’s way.


As an example; Absalom rebelled against his father (David) in an attempt to overthrow him as king of Israel. This rebellion was fueled by a series of family and political events. Absalom ultimately led a revolt against David, gathering an army and declaring himself king. This act of rebellion forced David to flee Jerusalem (separating himself and his family for their safety). Despite Absalom’s rebellion, David instructed his commanders, particularly Joab, to deal gently with his son for his sake (2 Samuel 18:5) demonstrating that he had truly forgiven Absalom. When Absalom was killed, David was heartbroken, mourning his son with the famous cry, "O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom!" (2 Samuel 18:33).


The story of Absalom and David is a powerful example of the complex nature of forgiveness, family loyalty, and the tension between love and justice. Despite Absalom’s betrayal, David’s love for his son never wavered, yet he had to take steps to protect his kingdom and people from the harm Absalom posed.


True Forgiveness is True Love

Ultimately, the Torah reminds us that forgiveness is not only about resolving the past but about opening the door to future connection. True forgiveness is an expression of true love, where the well-being of the other person remains important, even if they have wronged you. When you forgive, it pains you to see the other person go through hardship, even if they have posed a threat to you. This kind of forgiveness is rooted in love and compassion, desiring what’s best for them, regardless of their actions.


Even if the other person is not ready to move forward, your willingness to forgive allows you to free yourself from resentment and live with a heart open to love and new possibilities. Not everyone is ready to move on as soon as someone else is. You can be ready to move on the next day after an offense, but they may still hold resentment for months or years. Forgive, try to reconcile, and be patient with them.


Forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating harm or lowering boundaries, but it means wishing the other person well and holding no malice toward them. By reflecting G-d’s endless compassion, you create the conditions for healing and personal growth, trusting that, with time and patience, the relationship may eventually find a path to renewal.


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